Parenthood brings us face-to-face with how we cope under stress, adjust to major life changes and manage pressure in relationships. Motherhood confronts women with an entire reconstruction of self identity. For a father the journey is similar but with a different set of personal, and social expectations. It’s a time of great adjustment and re-defined goals.
The are several significant changes that women are presented with in motherhood. There are changes to her personal identity, her body, her relationship and the responsibility of raising children. It comes with many joys but also many limitations.
For men the changes are also profound. The relationship with their partner changes almost overnight in terms of affection, sex and roles within the house. Through parenthood, men are forced to confront their own identity at the very moment their partner is confronting hers.
This period of adjustment presents an opportunity to grow.
The are several significant changes that women are presented with in motherhood. There are changes to her personal identity, her body, her relationship and the responsibility of raising children. It comes with many joys but also many limitations.
For men the changes are also profound. The relationship with their partner changes almost overnight in terms of affection, sex and roles within the house. Through parenthood, men are forced to confront their own identity at the very moment their partner is confronting hers.
This period of adjustment presents an opportunity to grow.
Relationship Stress
Some research suggests that relationship satisfaction is at it’s peak at the beginning of the third trimester of a first pregnancy and then drops by 80% in the first year after having a baby. Other research claims that up to 93% of first time mothers experience decreased relationships satisfaction with their partner after the baby arrives.
How a couple communicate and collaborate under this pressure will determine how well the relationship fares. For many couples, becoming parents brings about a whole new range of areas of disagreement – particularly in regards to expectations of each other’s roles and household management, finances, sex and the involvement of extended family. There are also differing expectations of each other’s communication style under stress and in disagreement – communication usually gets stuck in blame and defensiveness.
What I observe in couples therapy is that interactions between couples have a tendency to become highly procedural post children – painful disappointments, escalating conflict or emotional withdrawal can often dominate over intimacy and pleasure between partners.
How a couple communicate and collaborate under this pressure will determine how well the relationship fares. For many couples, becoming parents brings about a whole new range of areas of disagreement – particularly in regards to expectations of each other’s roles and household management, finances, sex and the involvement of extended family. There are also differing expectations of each other’s communication style under stress and in disagreement – communication usually gets stuck in blame and defensiveness.
What I observe in couples therapy is that interactions between couples have a tendency to become highly procedural post children – painful disappointments, escalating conflict or emotional withdrawal can often dominate over intimacy and pleasure between partners.
Parenting Stress
Children are naturally intense and evocative and this can be very challenging for parents. We sacrifice our sleep, forgo career opportunities and have to learn to better manage our own emotions in the face of guiding our children through theirs. We manage the balance between our own independence with being there for our children and the associated mixed feelings of joy, guilt and loss. Often this is a time where we reflect on our relationships with our own parents and identify some of the difficult stuff we’ve had to deal with that we wish to do differently in this role. Other times, we have to acknowledge that we aren’t the parent we expected to be and these differences need to be reconciled.
Extended Family Relationships
Is having a baby a private experience between the two parents? Or a public event that draws in all the extended branches of the family tree?
Interlocking family subsystems – that is, the coming together and involvement of the two family systems of the two parents - offers opportunity for greater wisdom, care and security. The whole tree has abundant opportunity to grow and connect and open up. But the differences in which these subsystems operate frequently bring about stress, tension and resentment.
Why? Because extended family members come with their own ideas about how family interactions should operate - the giving and receiving - both in physical and emotional terms. Pre-conceived ideas about what they will contribute become apparent early on and these expectations are not always consistent between members of the family. It becomes evident when extended family members either support or criticise how a couple’s children should be raised. Innocent evaluations are given about how those parents are faring in their new parenting roles and how they could fare better. These good intentions run the risk of being perceived as negative judgment; curiosity and interest as intrusiveness, and a whole range of other misaligned communication that leads to tension, resentment and disagreement among family members.
On the flip side, when these extended family relationships are based on good quality connection and communication, the smaller family unit are likely to feel more confident and secure in their adapting circumstances. Typically, these relationships are described as warm, supportive, non-judgmental with an implicit sensitivity to boundaries of privacy.
Interlocking family subsystems – that is, the coming together and involvement of the two family systems of the two parents - offers opportunity for greater wisdom, care and security. The whole tree has abundant opportunity to grow and connect and open up. But the differences in which these subsystems operate frequently bring about stress, tension and resentment.
Why? Because extended family members come with their own ideas about how family interactions should operate - the giving and receiving - both in physical and emotional terms. Pre-conceived ideas about what they will contribute become apparent early on and these expectations are not always consistent between members of the family. It becomes evident when extended family members either support or criticise how a couple’s children should be raised. Innocent evaluations are given about how those parents are faring in their new parenting roles and how they could fare better. These good intentions run the risk of being perceived as negative judgment; curiosity and interest as intrusiveness, and a whole range of other misaligned communication that leads to tension, resentment and disagreement among family members.
On the flip side, when these extended family relationships are based on good quality connection and communication, the smaller family unit are likely to feel more confident and secure in their adapting circumstances. Typically, these relationships are described as warm, supportive, non-judgmental with an implicit sensitivity to boundaries of privacy.